The Death of Dating

An Op-ed article by Charles M. Blow begs the question: Is dating dead?

The old way of social mingling with the opposite sex (and today a lot more open same-sex mingling) of dating and then taking the relationship to the physical level has become antiquated. Now, the method is hooking up with someone, be it making out or sex, and then deciding whether to date. What does this change in social interaction conventions suggest?

The author cites "group friendships over the one-pair model of dating" as well as vetting mates in a friend group to let the relationship develop through friendship and letting attraction carry it to the next level. The elder generation says that the "increase in hooking up" is due to "the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum". So basically, young people are just morally and socially deficiently wooed by sex, and social conventions are breaking down to make romantic social relations easier. I defer.

In this fast-paced world, the window of time to get to know someone personally is very limited. Many young people in college have full class loads and multiple groups of friends to relate to. Conflicting social schedules and academic commitments are further complicated by work, as well as the wider world in which people live; from family and friends that are scattered across the country to friends that go to different colleges. The increasing specialization of our relationships due to the volume of people an individual comes into contact with does not allow for casual dating in the same way as in times past.

Unless both people are patient, have the desire to see each other regularly, and have that ability to see each other with relative ease (in terms of schedule and distance), it is difficult to casually date until a more serious relationship can be generated. What is left are sexually charged young adults meeting at house parties or clubs that are attracted to each other and know that conventionally dating will require a lot of work and probably will not work out. It is easier to hook up and ask questions later if the situation arises again.

The friendship circle of dating has also developed because if you are a member of a social group, the chances of seeing those people more frequently are higher, and getting to know individuals can be a more gradual process. Unfortunately, it is also more complicated as you move from friend to more than friend, and the transition can be awkward. Hooking up is symbolic of crossing the friendship line, a physical unspoken affirmation of affection that speaks silent volumes.

The tradition of asking someone out also is at odds with feeling vulnerable. We have access to many different kinds of people and as a society have become more judgmental and individualistic in society. A person you date becomes a judgment of your desirability. Also, people take numerous precautions to prevent awkwardness. They are less likely than ever to make a sober decision to make themselves vulnerable to someone else. If someone does bare their soul or express interest upfront, it seems to be almost an aphrodisiac due to its rare occurance.

The sheer volume and accessibility of people can be problematic for someone to choose one individual to date. The rise of online social networking like facebook, the text culture bourne from cell phone use, mass transit and an increasingly wide net of social networks allows for contact with multiple people in different social contexts. The days of meeting at the drive-in on a friday night to meet your crush on a show like Happy Days has evolved into dinner with friends, bar hopping in Wrigleyville, clubbing on Division, and then going to a house party around midnight, where you have the ability to rendevous with any number of people with a cellphone.

It seems to me that the only way to navigate this new world of dating and hooking up is to be honest with people in the brief time you have to get to know them. Integrity is the only way to get out of the hooking up trap, and making an effort to maintain contact in any relationship type (friendship or romance) is the key to letting a relationship grow.

In this new world, it's amazing relationships can exist at all.